See this? This is me, and my Cuyler, and the scarf I made him...and a very sparkly ring on my left hand.
I'M FREAKING GETTING MARRIED, KIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
P.S. The cable on the scarf is from here.
I felt like that was all I wanted to say, it being the big event, the disco ball of life at the moment, so to speak.
But there's more, right? Never mind not blogging all this time, I haven't even journaled. It's been a really, really busy time...Mostly because I now work 40 hours a week and there's no such thing as Christmas break anymore.
But also I haven't felt it. I know there's a lot going on in my subconscious, but for some reason I don't feel inspired to lay it out in neat little rows. I'm sure it's coming..
Getting married means...wow. It means the rest of my life goes this way, and I have to get my shit together and quit wasting money, quit putting off the paperwork for certification, get some interviews and make my life really start. Maybe that's why 'm not thinking about it. I've always looked forward to the future after college, always knew it would be painful and hard but worth it.
Now that it's here I'm scared. So I'm plugging through it, even though this 22-page teaching application gives me an automatic stress headache just to think about. Not that it's that tricky. It just seems so intimidating. Why? I think it's my fear of failure, that I won't measure up. I won't get a job, I won't be able to teach effectively. I know the fear is separate from me, and I won't let it keep me from trying. I was really enjoying not thinking about it, though.
I went home to New York and visited my family a week ago. I saw my dearest Heather a few times and on the way home, I cried. It really struck home that I chose to move so many thosands of miles away..for good. Or at least for the future I can see from here. Instead of seeing her whenever I like, it will be twice a year if I'm lucky, and she is such a huge part of my soul.
I found my husband (it makes me shake inside just to say that) and he will be my best friend. He is like steel, like a rock, like everything safe and right for me. He loves me absolutely unconditionally and calls me on my shit unmercifully, which is exactly what I always wanted.
I will still miss my Heather. I hope life gives me a few new twists so that it doesn't turn out to be as hard as it feels right now.
It generally seems to turn out right. I don't underestimate how lucky I am.
Posts
